JOKES ONLY

NO JOKING MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND IMAGES IN THIS FORUM
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Sinead
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Sinead » Mon Jan 14, 2019 10:31 am

A new danger to tattooing! Who would have that job.

Sinéad



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Denis Cromie » Tue Jan 15, 2019 6:12 pm

I wonder had the lady been eating beans. My youngest is starting to feed solid food to her 7 months old and as a way of encouragement she sings to him," Beans,Beans are good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart, and he does.



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:45 pm

Denis Cromie wrote:
Tue Jan 15, 2019 6:12 pm
I wonder had the lady been eating beans. My youngest is starting to feed solid food to her 7 months old and as a way of encouragement she sings to him," Beans,Beans are good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart, and he does.

Denis I am only seeing this today :lol: :lol: :lol:


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Toss » Wed Feb 27, 2019 10:04 pm

.

A Cavan farmer laying on his death bed with is family around him .... he asks his wife Mary "is young James here ?", yes says Mary and he asks "is Kathleen here?", again Mary says yes. He then struggles for air as he asks "and is young Thomas here?" ..... Mary holds his hand and says "yes, Pat, all the family are here with you". At which point the farmer turns and says "so why is the kitchen light on ?"

lauugh


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Sat Mar 02, 2019 8:44 am

Ha my old Cavan friend had a load of Cavan jokes to counter any dig!!
Cavanman stripping wallpaper.
Friend : are you decorating?
Cavanman: No, moving

Q.. who invented copper wire?
answer two cavanmen fighting over a penny.


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Strum » Sun Mar 03, 2019 1:02 pm

Image


:roll: :roll: :roll: :lol:



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by MattyGroves » Sun Mar 03, 2019 2:24 pm

The only thing worse than censorship is ███████████


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Sun Mar 03, 2019 7:48 pm

Ah Strum loved that still laughing ...Lum Bay Gough that's me.


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Jemser » Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:35 am

Brilliant Strum. :lol: :lol: :lol:


I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. - George Best 1946-2005

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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Strum » Tue Apr 02, 2019 1:57 pm

Image :lol: :lol: :lol:



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Fri Apr 05, 2019 10:01 am

can't resist passing this on...
Bono.jpg
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Micheál » Fri Apr 05, 2019 5:19 pm

and Bono said, "Indeed it is, my son"



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Sun Apr 07, 2019 5:15 pm

couldn't resist,
post brexit.jpg
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by MickR » Wed Apr 24, 2019 11:07 am

Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall walked into a bar and the barman says "Oh know not yew 3 again"


If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Strum » Thu Apr 25, 2019 2:36 pm

I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials.
He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
I said 'What's the Vera Lynn?'

He said 'Whale meat again. :lol:



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Toss » Thu Apr 25, 2019 11:09 pm

MY wife sent me a text that said ... 'your great'. So naturally I wrote back and said 'No, you're great'

Shes been walking aroud all day smiling and happy .................... should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar !

_______________________________

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone are sat at a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."

So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."

That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

___________________________________

Two shop fitters in the centre of Dublin were sitting down for a break in a soon-to-be new shop ....as yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling. You know these senior citizens are such nosey parkers"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We're selling arse-holes.”​

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well then ... only two left.”​

8-)


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Strum » Fri Apr 26, 2019 12:57 pm

Image



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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Rocker » Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:14 am

This one came up on my FB today...
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Toss » Tue Apr 30, 2019 11:16 pm

An 80 year old lady is getting married for the fourth time and the local newspaper send a reporter around to do a feature on her. She invites the reporter in for tea and after a while he politely brings the conversation to her other husbands. Not being shy, she revealed that her first husband was a wealthy banker, her second was a circus ringmaster, her third was a preacher and now shes marrying an undertaker. The reporter is amazed at her casual approach and says 'they are all very different, how did you cope?' ..... she just smiled and said 'well its quite simple really ..... it was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four is to go !!!
:P


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Re: JOKES ONLY

Post by Dancer » Fri May 10, 2019 6:04 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


xx Dancer xx


“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

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