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Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:28 pm
by Micheál
Nice one Strum!

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:21 pm
by Denis Cromie
:lol: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 1:19 pm
by Strum
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1966 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”



The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:40 pm
by Toss
Strum wrote:So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1966 FA Cup Final?
Oh Strum .... you opened the door there, your Indian memory man speaks with forked tongue .....



:D :D :D

The man that ran onto the pitch was one Eddie Cavanagh (Irish scouser) .... he became more of a legend than the team. I met him on a few occasions at Goodison over the years and he loved telling his story, he claim's he's never had to buy a drink since that day :roll:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 4:28 pm
by Denis Cromie
I knew an Everton fan would put that Indian straight.But then, Everton fans haven't a lot to remember. Never mind Toss, my team, Preston North End last won the FA Cup in 1938,they beat Huddersfield 1-0,and I wasn't even around then.:lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:56 pm
by keeper
Wasn't the old Wembley Stadium magnificent, there was just something magical about it, vast arena with great atmosphere, the new one seems much more contained and even the pitch looks sub standard.

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 5:18 pm
by Micheál
The portal picture reminds me of the old gag about the Russian Factory where pilfering was rife

The security guards had identified a chief subject who, like the guy in the photo, came to work in a horse and cart full of hay every day and left with it full of hay.

So every day they paid special attention to the driver - thoroughly searching him and meticulously examining the hay - but never finding anything. This went on for years; the guards never finding anything but yet the losses continued.

Eventually, it came to pass that the driver retired. On his last day, the guards called him aside and told him they knew he was the guy they were after and since they could no longer impose any discipline on him, would he ever put them out of their misery and tell them exactly what he was pilfering and how.

The retiring pensioners snapped his whip and urged his horse into a gallop but not before calling back to the guards - "carts"

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:50 am
by Strum
:roll: :roll: :roll: :mrgreen:



Image

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:06 pm
by Toss
A donkey walks into a bar and the only one there is a horse sitting watch the races on TV. The donkey orders a drink and asks the horse would he like one? the two strike up a chat and the horse tells the Donkey that he used to be a racehorse. In fact he said he was very good ... starting out on the flat where he won the St Ledger, Prix de l'arc and the Derby ... before taking to the jumps where he won champion hurdles, gold cups and the Grand National. The donkey was very impressed and the two had a great chat all night. As they parted, the donkey said his wife was a racing fan and would love to meet the Horse and he invited him around to dinner tomorrow evening. The next day, the donkey goes out and buys a picture of a Zebra and just before the horse arrives, he puts it up on the wall. The Horse arrives, all is going well and he see's the picture on the wall ...... curiosity gets the better of him and asks the donkey 'whats the story with the picture as he points at the Zebra. The donkey turns around and says 'oh thats me when I used to play for Juventus' !!!

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:10 pm
by Strum
I thought mine was bad Toss. :lol:


Image

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:14 am
by Denis Cromie
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:56 pm
by keeper
That donkey was telling porkies, the best he did was to play for Notts County :roll: :roll:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:46 pm
by Toss
keeper wrote:That donkey was telling porkies, the best he did was to play for Notts County :roll: :roll:
haha that was only cause Joeys released him and he figured Bray was full of donkeys anyway :roll: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 1:09 pm
by Strum
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road!" :roll: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 1:41 pm
by Rocker
Strum wrote:A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road!" :roll: :lol:
almost as bad as...
two guys working on the road. One is digging holes and the other comes along and fills them. Ater some hours watching a passer by asks "why are you digging holes and he comes along and fills them"???
First guy says "this is normally a three person job, I dig the hole, Paddy plants the tree and Joe fills in the hole"......Paddy called in sick today... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 5:08 pm
by Strum
Another old one. :lol:



Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.

The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother “I’m in!"

The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview.

“So Mr... Patrick O’Malley”, the interviewer begins. “What skills can you bring to Australia?”

Patrick explains: “Well, I’m a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cutter...”

“That’s a shame”, interrupts the interviewer. “They don’t really need turf cutters in Australia. There’s just not that much turf.”

“But you let me brother in!”

“That’s because your brother is a pilot. Pilots are high in demand.”

Patrick cries: “But if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it!”

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 6:47 pm
by Strum
Image

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2018 1:31 pm
by Toss
Best joke yesterday was the budget increase for Horse Racing Ireland of over 3 million euros ...... but nobody seems bothered (except the family and friends of gambling addicts). Anyway here's a different story :

An Australian, a Cockney and a Dubliner were having a few pints in London and in walks a stranger. The three boys all agree he looks very familiar and after a few minutes they agree that he looks like God. Not being sure, they call the barman and ask him, he says yes, God comes in here sometimes for a quiet pint. A few drinks later and its the Cockneys round, he orders three drinks and tells the Barman to give God a pint of his best English Ale. The barman gives God the pint and God just looks up and smiles whilst giving the thumbs up. Next round was the Australian and he told the barman that as a proud Australian, please give God a pint of Castlemaine XXXX the premium Australian lager .... same result, God smiles and gives thumbs up. Not to be outdone, when it came to his round the Dubliner sent a creamy pint of Guinness to God with the same result as the others. All three were chatting away and as God is leaving, he walks over to them. He asks who bough the lovely pint of Real Ale ? the Cockney grins and says proudly 'I did'. God thanks him and shakes his hand .... with that, the Cockney stands up and says 'wow, I have suffered with back pain for years and suddenly its gone .. thanks God'. God then asked who bought the Castlemaine XXXX ? the Aussie smiles and God shakes his hand .... to which the Aussie goes 'Gee God thanks, my tennis elbow is cured'. Finally God turns to the Dubliner and smiles as he extends his hand our and says 'so you must have bought me that lovely creamy pint of Guinness' at which point Paddy jumps up and said 'Ya can feck off if you think you're shaking my hand, I'm on disability benefit !!

:P

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:30 pm
by Denis Cromie
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 3:34 pm
by Sinead
Good one Toss

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:26 pm
by Dancer
Paddy goes into the pub and yells “Mick! Some fella just drove off in your car mate !”
Mick says ....did you see who it was Paddy ? ....and Paddy says “No Mick ! but I got the registration! “
:P :P :P :oops:

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2018 9:52 pm
by Dancer
Strum will understand this one ....

A Doberman, a Poodle and a Cavalier died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven
God asks all three, what they believe in?
The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."
"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side." angel
"Poodle, what do you believe in?" Asked God.
The Poodle answers: "I believe in love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."
"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side." angel
Then he looked at The Cavalier: "And what do you believe in?"
The Cavalier stood there, looked at him and answered :
"I believe you're sitting in my seat!" headbang notworthy

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2019 12:45 pm
by skins
From the Rotherham Daily News


"A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his

client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of

them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23),

had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to

have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation

of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist

Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than on!” he told us “I’d just lit

a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate,

close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock

cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound –

more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening,

there’s a flame shooting from her **** to my fag and my beards gone up

like an Aussie bush fire.”



Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only

to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with

a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire

to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.


“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing

one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for

sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been

none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital,

accident and emergency department, where they were treated for minor

burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.


“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog

and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur –

Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s

face like that. It’s bloody dangerous.”



But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;


“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more

like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the

go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for

nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature

takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning

and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just

crept out.”


Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t

surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t

appreciate the dangers....“ he told us, “We get called out to more

flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now that

people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n Fart –

keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an **** inking scenario would do

well to bear that in mind in future.”

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:38 pm
by Toss
:lol: :lol: a clear case of stinking and inking don't mix ..... serves them right. aawhip

Re: JOKES ONLY

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2019 4:23 pm
by Rocker
Toss wrote::lol: :lol: a clear case of stinking and inking don't mix ..... serves them right. aawhip
:lol: :lol:

Now that is a job I'd hate!